It’s me again. Hi! Last time I posted a blog I’d just moved to Vietnam. That’s one long story you can read here: New year, New country
In August I visited the UK for the first time in 2 years… and ended up canceling my return flight! That’s another long story I’ll eventually write about. I haven’t blogged again for nearly a year, I’ve hardly picked up my actual camera for months, and the photos I have taken? They’ve remained hidden on my various, unorganised hard-drives, unedited and unseen.
I’ve created so many things in the past 11 months and shared about 3 of them. Why? Because every time I’ve thought about sharing I’ve hesitated. This is an issue my mind has been on for some time, while also mulling over what exactly I would like to be doing with myself and my life.
If you’ve ever read my blogs before you might remember I started this Going Freelance series to hold myself accountable and share what I was doing to become a freelancer. I’m happy to report that it worked! I started 2019 with my first regular freelance client have been doing work I absolutely love ever since. But, there’s so much more I still want to do. In truly eye-roll worthy, millennial fashion I’ve been visualising in great detail what I want my life to look like.. what my life WILL look like… and you know what? Life has let me know that it’s on board for it if I am!
Selling prints is something I’ve decided to try, and not long after deciding this I was contacted and asked for a selection of sample images. Right now I’m sorting through these images, looking through my photos from the last few years, and wondering why on earth I don’t take photos anymore, or do anything with the ones I have? The answer: I always hesitate.
I hesitate at the strangest intervals and choices. Sometimes it’s because I’m checking out the pros and cons, and looking to see how my instincts feel about it, but if that conversation in my head goes on for too long I end up turning my back on the choice, the situation, the moment, altogether. It’s amazing the stories we make up in our heads about what a choice could mean for us in the future – and how easily our minds like to take that story down the road of a complete disaster.
There are many examples I can think of where hesitating can be beneficial, like when deciding whether or not moving to another country on your own is a good idea. Weirdly enough, that has been quite an easy decision for, me more than once! Sending a simple email on the other had, that can become a whole “thing” where I start obsessively re-reading and checking over the words to make sure it’s all written in the write way, spelt correctly, doesn’t give off the wrong tone, hasn’t missed any facts. “What if it’s not right?” Goes my brain, which then tells me a story about how my mistake will lead to me losing a job or missing an opportunity, or upsetting someone else. Countless frustrated months of this, a few therapy notes and google searches later, and I’ve finally started challenging and changing this story. “Really?” I think to myself “there are no mistakes here worth mentioning, and if they are mentioned or pointed out, that’s not going to cost me anything, that’s just me being a human”. As a result of this mindset change, I’ve been spending less and less time focused on my over-cautious thoughts, and more and more time in the real world!
Why am I sharing all this with you, oh blog reader?
Well, since I’ve been focusing more on the real world, I’ve made some big moves to up my game in life, and have decided to just be 100% me, as much as possible. That means the freedom-obsessed part of me is off creating a dream life where I do jobs I love and work for myself, while getting to be around the awesome people in my life, and do awesome, fun, brilliant things. Meanwhile the epically-empathetic, incredibly typically Pisces part of me is thinking “hmmm, it’d be good to show people who want to do this too how you’re doing it, but not just the good bits and achievements, let’s show them the tough bits too”. That’s pretty much where the blog comes in. Only I’ve been too wrapped up in my own thoughts to actually post anything!
I hesitate to share when something good has happened to me, I hesitate to send emails, I hesitate to say how I feel, I hesitate when it comes to self-promotion, I hesitate to make moves that get me the things I want. I hesitate at life (and really miss out), I hesitate at posting blogs.
Up yours hesitation. The blog is back.